Valentine Special: five zoological ways to insert your organ

A while ago I discovered that a fairly large proportion of my blog’s search engine traffic comes from people asking “how to insert male organ into female organ”. While I find this somewhat disconcerting, I can’t help but feel I am doing potential readers/learners a disservice. They come to my blog, presumably hoping for some pearls of reproductive wisdom, only to be faced with my self-indulgent ramblings about being a women/post-doc/pregnant scientist/horse-rider/whatever else I fancy myself to be. Crucially, they find no information on “how to insert male organ into female organ”. And I call myself a reproductive biologist.

In an effort to put this right (and as a special treat for the #Valentines crowd), here I provide five examples of the many weird and wonderful ways that nature deals with this complex task. Enjoy.

1. Female playing hard to get? No problem. Bed bugs have to deal with this all the time. Take a tip from them and wait until your chosen female has eaten a large meal. As she lays there like a beached whale, spear your needle-like penis directly into her bloated abdomen. OK, this may not be particularly romantic, and your female might become infected or even die (they don’t call it “traumatic insemination” for nothing). But hey – it’s effective.

2. Worried that another male might have got to your female first? Why not fashion your penis into spoon-like implement, or attach the bristles of a spare toilet brush, to help you scrape out the sperm of your rivals? After all, there is little point inserting your organ if your paternity is not assured. It works for damselflies. And cats.

3. Stuck at work while your female is at home? Try mating barnacle-style. Grow yourself a super-long stretchy penis, forty times your own body length, and allow your organ to roam far and wide. Alternatively, take a tip from the argonaut octopus and simply detach your penis, setting it free to fulfil its ultimate goal. Love knows no boundaries.

4. Want to give your female a memento to commemorate your special moment? Why not literally explode your genitals into her like a honey bee? That way she can keep the end of your penis inside her as a permanent reminder of the time you shared.

5. Last but not least: Are you by any chance getting down and dirty with a Brazilian cave-dweller? If she happens to be of the genus Neotrogla, then you needn’t worry in the slightest about what to do with your organ. Just sit back and enjoy it – because she’s going to be penetrating you.